Before we get started, let’s define how we’re going to use the word “success” within the context of this post (and my work).
I’m talking about success from the perspective that you are living and loving your rebelliously fulfilling life in spite of your economic or social status…in spite of your past…in spite of the naysayers in your life.
You are grounded in who you are, what you desire from life, how you love on your people, your role in supporting the world, and that you are inherently worthy by the very nature of your existence.
It’s a mindset; that the world is full of possibility and challenges aren’t impenetrable barriers.
✨ Think differently
✨ Make decisions differently
✨ Aren’t afraid to fail and bounce back quickly
So…how do they do it?
Sure – she has confidence in spades but what makes her stand out is her courage.
Courage to go against the grain, stand up for herself and others, and get her own needs met because she knows she matters too.
Courage to call herself out on her own b.s….to work on her inherent biases and internalized racism…to do the work to heal her past.
Courage to apologize when she’s been the asshole. It wasn’t intentional…she’s an imperfect human too but she’s not afraid to apologize when she’s in the wrong.
She brings this courage into everything she does.
We’re women. We literally can’t help taking care of others but the successful woman extends that same care and attention to herself because she knows she matters too.
It’s the annoying and proverbial “put your own oxygen mask on first”. But it’s true.
She knows that putting herself first sometimes is the opposite of selfish and instead, allows her to show up for others in the very best ways possible because she’s not resentful or
She gets creative with how she gets her needs met and while she enjoys when others are able to meet her needs, she doesn’t expect them to and doesn’t get huffy or disappointed when they can’t but instead, takes ownership and responsibility for her own wellbeing.
She doesn’t self-abuse or spend long in destructive patterns because she knows that’s not productive.
She treats herself with kindness and compassion much like she would a beloved friend or child.
She checks in with her thoughts and feelings often to see if they’re productive – i.e. moving her closer to her goals – or moving her further away and course-corrects and pivots as necessary.
She’s developed a respectful relationship with that inner voice…she knows it’s just trying to keep her “safe” and she does the work to understand what the voice is actually trying to tell her.
She knows what she wants. She knows what she doesn’t want. She knows who she is. She knows her strengths. She knows and mitigates her not-so-strengths (I hate calling them weaknesses so I just won’t).
She knows what changes she needs to make and makes them with the courage from #1 above.
She calls herself out on her own b.s. She owns her mistakes.
She plays when she wants to play. She rests when she needs to rest. She’s honest about her limitations and doesn’t overextend herself for great lengths of time before recharging and recentering.
She knows she is a work-in-progress and isn’t afraid to iterate and fail and pivot and iterate again (The I in SELFISH).
She picks herself back up, dusts herself off, finds the lessons to be learned, gets curious, and tries again.
She doesn’t expect perfection from herself or others for that matter.
She doesn’t waste time beating herself up but instead, reminds herself of her worthiness and value.
She is optimistic and always on the lookout for silver linings and lessons to be learned.
She isn’t about fake positivity or spiritual bypassing but she also doesn’t wallow in negativity and woe-is-me-ness. She explores her feelings and the world around her and takes courageous action to keep going even when things are shitty.
She doesn’t allow setbacks and obstacles to discourage her but instead, uses her brain, inherent strengths, and resources to continue moving towards her goals and dreams.
She says to herself, “I’ve got this…I can get through this.”.
Whether it’s coaching, therapy, confiding to her spouse or best friend, she knows she’s not alone and when she needs extra support.
Yes – she is strong and courageous but even strong people need to fall apart every now and then. She doesn’t let pride get in her way but instead, shows vulnerability and courage by asking for what she needs.
Going back to #2 above, she gets her own needs met whether that’s internally or externally asking for support.
She is both immensely grateful for her life and allows herself to pursue her dreams.
She keeps her dreams realistic and attainable and takes inspired action in thoughtful, planful ways.
She’s not afraid to go after what she wants and back to #7, asks for support along the way so she doesn’t have to go at it all alone.
She knows that her dreams have a positive impact on the world and she is just as deserving as the next person.
TBH, some people might read this and think “How privileged…how SELFISH!” and I get that…on the surface.
Because yes – I am a woman with many privileges. You probably are too though I don’t want to assume.
I’m also a deeply caring woman who wants to save the world and what I know is that if more people were walking around getting their needs met, the more good (i.e. positive impact) we’d all be able to do in the world.
If you found yourself reading along and saying, “Hey…I want that!”, I’d love to support you through my 1:1 coaching.
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Jen Vertanen is a Life Design Coach for action-takers who are ready to "do the work" to fully love their damn lives